Saturday, August 28, 2010

FANTASY FOOTBALL OVERDRIVE

I've got TWO fantasy football drafts tomorrow! Hopefully I can erase the demons of last season. Easily the worst I've ever done. I'll be providing up to the minute live reports from the Devil's Disciples clubhouse tomorrow to let my loyal fan(s) know how the draft is shaping up. Until then, keep your fins up!

Friday, August 20, 2010

AWWW, POOR BABY'S TIRED

Some musings from around the world of the NFL Pre-season:

A) Darrius Heyward-Bey is a sleepy baby

A couple of months ago, an Oakland Raiders press release was sent out from the team comparing 2nd year wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey to the best receivers in Raiders history, and that his performance in the offseason has been stellar. This is great news considering after being selected 7th overall in the 1st round of the NFL draft in 2009 and given a 5 year contract worth $38.25 million dollars (plus a guaranteed $23.5 million), he rewarded the Raiders with a mere 9 catches for 124 yards and 1 touchdown last season. Hardly the production you’d expect from a top 10 draft pick that you’re paying a ton of money to. So, he’s been working out in the offseason trying to improve his game, and the Raiders camp wanted to let it be known that he’s improved and should be a force to be reckoned with this season.

So, then, why has he been absent from four straight practices? Is he injured?

Nope.

Turns out he’s just tired! Aw, the poor guy’s been working too hard! His official reason for missing practice is “fatigue.” He needs a little rest.

Why so tired, bud?

Bey says: “Body, legs, you know just fatigue. Doing a lot of running. Receivers, we’re low in numbers anyway. I feel bad for the other guys out there and me missing. But we’re working hard out there, so it takes a toll.”

I’m sure the other 80 guys who are out there on the field every day working their asses off in the grueling heat really feel bad for him. Last time I checked, this is football. If you can’t handle it, you shouldn’t be playing it (read: I don’t play it). Hell, there are high school kids killing themselves every day in 100+ degree weather, and this guy, who is getting paid MILLIONS OF DOLLARS to play this game, can’t handle a few practices because he’s too tuckered out. What a joke.

Hilariously, another 2nd year wide receiver, Percy Harvin of the Minnesota Vikings (who was drafted much later and got a much smaller contract than Heyward-Bey), has been suffering from crippling migraines this off-season. Two days ago, during a practice, Harvin vomited and collapsed, passed out. He was taken the hospital and treated for what they called a very severe migraine. Where was Harvin today, two days after his hospitalization? Back on the field with his teammates!

But Darrius is tired, ya’ll. Let’s let him have his naptime.



The Oakland Raiders: Still a joke.

B) Antonio Cromartie: I’m not an idiot, I just play one on TV

One of the best parts of this year’s NFL Pre-Season for me has been watching the daily circus that is the New York Jets. From blowhard head coach Rex Ryan’s boasting and cursing to star cornerback Derrelle Revis’ ridiculous money grubbing holdout, the Jets have been a constant source of entertainment this offseason. Couple that with the fact that lots of “experts” are picking them to win the Super Bowl, and the fact that HBO’s “Hard Knocks” reality TV series (a reality show that follows one NFL team from training camp through the beginning of the regular season) is featuring the Jets, and there’s a recipe for a disaster that I can’t wait to see played out.

On the 2nd episode of “Hard Knocks” there’s a part of the program where they sit down with cornerback Antonio Cromartie (last seen as a member of the San Diego Chargers, trying to remember how to tackle in a playoff game against these same Jets last season), and they ask him about his children. Of which he has many. So many, in fact, that it’s hard for him to answer the question.

The clip is viewable in a video here, and as he starts to list off the names and ages of his children he pauses, stumbles, almost as if he’s having trouble recalling it all.

The breakdown:

- Cromartie has EIGHT children, ranging from newborn to 5 years old.

- 2007 was a pretty good year for Mr. Cromartie: 3 of his children are 3 years old (and one is about to turn 3). 2007 is also the one spectacular season Cromartie has had in his career, nabbing 10 interceptions for the Chargers that season.

Keeping up with 8 children can’t be easy, but here’s the kicker. Cromartie says that HBO MADE HIM pause between the names. "Nah, I didn't have trouble," Cromartie said. "I mean, they asked me to pause. I had nailed it the one time before, but they had to redo it and they just told me to pause between each one of [the names]."

Hmm. So HBO asked Cromartie to seem like he didn’t remember his kids’ names and ages, and he went along with it? I guess he doesn’t mind millions of people thinking he’s an idiot.

Of course, HBO claims that the entire segment was just one take, and that the show is “real.”

Draw your own conclusions, ya'll.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

CHANNING CROWDER SAYS THE DARNDEST THINGS

Miami Dolphins Linebacker Channing Crowder has made a name for himself off the field with his often hilarious quotes and statements about other players, teams, and even countries.
A couple of months ago, legendary Miami Dolphins Defensive Lineman Jason Taylor (for years has been a fan favorite and probably the best player the Dolphins have had since Dan Marino retired) shocked the world when he decided to sign with the hated New York Jets instead of re-signing with the Dolphins (this left a very sour taste in the mouth of Dolphins fans and players) Over the last few seasons, Taylor has hinted that he would like to have a career in acting when he's done playing football (and he has appeared on Dancing With The Stars, among a few other things). The Jets are the focus of HBO's "Hard Knocks" series this year, which is a reality show that follows one NFL team from the beginning of training camp through the beginning of the regular season. The show debuts tonight on HBO, and Channing Crowder had some really fun words for Jason Taylor:

"I just want to see JT [Jason Taylor] and laugh at him," Crowder said, via the Palm Beach Post. "I talked to him the other night and I was making fun of him, so I just want to see him out there embarrass himself. He's a real pretty boy. He had makeup with Dancing with the Stars and all that, so he might put on makeup," Crowder said. "He's gonna perform. Trust me. You can mark that. JT is not going to be himself. He's gonna perform for the cameras, 'cause he's a showman. That's what I give him a hard time about -- he's going to be as clean as he can, he's gonna have a freshly-shaved head, 'cause the camera is around and he's very womanly."

When asked about the makeup running when Taylor started to sweat during camp, Crowder added:

"What is it, Vidal Sassoon or something? What's the good stay-strong stuff you could wear? Loreal? He'll have on non-run Loreal."

This is certainly not the first time that Crowder has been outspoken.

Last season, he got into a fairly hilarious war of words with 1st year Jets coach Rex Ryan. Ryan stated in a press conference that he wasn't afraid of any of the teams in the AFC East and he thought his Jets team was the best. Crowder's response?

"Oh he's going crazy. He's going absolutely nuts," Crowder said. "I know it's his first chance to be a head coach, and I know he's excited about life. But I've never played a football game in June in my life. So congratulations to him. He's the OTA Super Bowl winner."

Thankfully, Ryan responded by saying "I don’t know this Channing Crowder. All I know is that he’s all tatted up, so I guess I ought to be nervous about him. If I was younger, I’d probably handle him myself."

Then the floodgates opened. Crowder responded:

"Oh, Lord have mercy, what's wrong with him? Now he's talking about preparation? We play them twice this year. If he wants to be prepared, shouldn't he know the starting middle linebackers of his division rival? He says he'd take care of me if he was younger? I'd have beat the hell out of that big old joker. Or if he really wants to get retro, my daddy or my uncle could have handled him. Don't get big. Win with preparation? Start watching some tape and learn who your rival is. Come on now."

The war of words went back and forth a little longer and then died out. The winner? Well, the Dolphins beat the Jets both times that they played last year, so you tell me.

My all-time favorite Channing Crowder moment came in 2007 when the Dolphins were about to travel to London, England to play the New Yorks Giants. In an interview, Crowder hilariously mused about the trip:

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that. I know [Washington Redskins linebacker] London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

The best part? Crowder is actually quite intelligent, he just happens to have a good sense of humor. Fans and media outlets went nuts about his "stupidity," nicely playing right into his hands.

Hopefully Crowder will keep 'em comin' on and off the field this year.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

BRETT FAVRE IS STILL AN ASSHOLE, AND THE JETS STILL SUCK

Well, it's August and that means that FOOTBALL is back in full effect, and it's about time. College and NFL teams are putting the finishing touches on the teams they'll be bringing out to the field next month, and as usual, hilarity is insuing.

Here's some especially interesting topcis as we inch closer and closer to the start of the 2010 football season:

1. Brett Favre is still an asshole.
So the annual "Is Brett Favre Gonna Retire Or Not" game really started back in January when the Saints knocked off the Vikings in the NFC Championship game. Everyone immediately wondered if Brett Favre, who at age 40 had just completed arguably the best season of his career, would retire (again) or come back to play another season. Brett's 40 years old (which is ancient in football terms), and he's had issues with both his shoulder and his ankle for the past few seasons. If Brett wants to hang up the cleats, no one in the world would fault him. After all, he's won a Super Bowl, and he holds just about every record that a quarterback can hold in the NFL. He's aging, he's got nagging injuries...retirement kind of makes sense. On the flip side, no one can fault Favre for coming back, if that's what he wants, either. As I said, a year ago with the Vikings, he had maybe the best overall season of his career, and he was one game away from getting to another Super Bowl.
So why is Brett Favre an asshole?
BECAUSE HE WON'T MAKE UP HIS MIND!
We're less than a month away from the first regular season game and he hasn't even told his team whether or not he's coming back. Here's why that is important: With Brett Favre, the Vikings are a Super Bowl pick. Without Brett Favre.......they're not. Not really, at least. Especially not if they don't know until the first week of the season.
Apparently last week he sent text messages to his teammates telling them he wasn't coming back. Then after he got a bunch of responses from his teammates begging him to come back (not to mention an offer of $20 million just to play THIS SEASON from the team) he now says he doesn't know yet (again). 
I think he's using his wishy-washy-ness to manufacture a pay raise
BRETT MAKE UP YOUR MIND! DO YOUR TEAM AND THEIR FANS A FAVOR!

2. The Jets still suck.
If you know me, you know that I hate the Jets more than any other sports franchise that has ever existed. Maybe more than any existing thing that has ever existed. So I am absolutely loving the ridiculousness coming out of Jets camp these days.
Last season everyone was singing the praises of Jets CB Darrelle Revis. And for good reason, as he was easily the best CB in the league. No one could get anything past him, he was amazing. Jets coach Rex Ryan boasted week in and week out that Revis was the best defensive player in the NFL.
The problem? Now Revis wants to be PAID like the best defensive player in the NFL. Currently, Revis is refusing to show up to Jets camp until he gets a new, more lucrative contract. (He wants a contract that will pay him at least $0.01 more than the currently-highest-paid CB, the Raiders Nnamdi Asomugha).
The problem?
4 years ago, when Revis was drafted by the Jets, he held out in order to get the contract that he is currently playing under. Oh, by the way, that contract still has 3 years left on it.
Let's recap. In 2006, Revis held out of camp until he got the deal that he wanted from the Jets. Now, in 2010, Revis is holding out AGAIN until the Jets give him a new one, when he still has 3 years left on his current one (THE ONE THAT HE FOUGHT FOR).
Derrelle Revis: You're an asshole, too.
The funniest part is watching the Jets organization scramble around over it. A year ago the coach was calling Revis "the best defensive player in football," and even a week ago he was talking about they were certainly going to miss "the best corner back in the game."
Suddenly today, coach Ryan came out and said they don't need Revis and they're fine at CB. Hmmmm....trying to coax him back by deflating his ego? I doubt that one's gonna work.
Stupid people playing stupid mind games. You can't write this stuff.

And this is why I love football.

Hello, I have a sports blog.

Well, well, well. Here we are. You want to read about sports and laugh and cry and think all at the same time? This is your destination. I can't promise frequent posts. I can't promise that you'll laugh or cry or even think. But I can promise to offer you my own insight into the ridiculous world of sports. Let's be friends.